Just about everyone would agree that children should not be abused. And most adults would agree that children need discipline. Beyond these basic ideas, however, opinions and parenting styles differ. How strict should parents and caregivers be? What kind of discipline works best? What types of punishments are too harsh?

Many parents use physical discipline. Four in ten parents report spanking or hitting their child in the last year.¹

Most parents and caregivers realize that physical discipline can go too far. Yet many people feel that hitting a child is okay as long as she isn't hurt. They may believe that it sends a clear and direct message about unacceptable behavior. This approach has some problems, however. Physical punishment:

• May work at first because it shocks a child. But it becomes less effective as it is repeated or if it comes with anger and rejection.
• Teaches a child that sometimes it's okay to hurt a person.
• Can cause anger that a child carries with him even as an adult. A child who has received physical punishment again and again is more likely to physically punish his own children or to hit a partner.
• Can easily become abusive. Anger and frustration can cause parents and caregivers to lose control. In one survey, 85 percent of parents said they felt anger, remorse, and turmoil while punishing their children.^2,3

Discipline also goes wrong when it involves emotional abuse. This condition is harder to see and less understood than physical abuse. Emotional abuse happens over time and can take several forms:

• Rejecting—sending a child away, calling her names, blaming her, or telling her she's worthless
• Ignoring—showing no interest in or affection for a child
• Terrorizing—singling out a child for criticism, punishment, or ridicule or threatening to harm or abandon him
• Isolating—keeping a child in her room or not letting her join in activities other than schoolwork (routine or for long-term isolation that goes beyond temporary grounding)
• Corrupting—exposing a child to drugs or alcohol, cruelty, sex acts, or crime.⁴

Emotional abuse can affect children in many ways. They may become insecure, destructive, angry, or withdrawn. They may even become suicidal. They may not develop basic skills, may have trouble in relationships, and may abuse alcohol or drugs.⁵

So use discipline as defined by the Latin word disciplinare—to teach.⁶ Be positive—create a warm and caring climate. Provide a good example—act calmly, use good manners, and show understanding. Use positive reinforcement—praise and reward good behavior and things done well.⁷

¹ Prevent Child Abuse America. Public Opinion and Behaviors Regarding Child Abuse Prevention: 1999 Survey, last referenced 1/14/2003.

² Burton Banks, J. 2002. Childhood Discipline: Challenges for Clinicians and Parents, American Family Physician, last referenced 12/11/2002.

³ American Academy of Pediatrics. Just the Facts: Effective Discipline, last referenced 1/10/2003.

⁴ National Exchange Club Foundation. Emotional Abuse, last referenced 12/10/2002.

⁵ Ibid.

⁶ Parenting Toolbox. He Never Acts This Way in School, last referenced 1/13/2003.

⁷ American Humane Association. No Hitting: Abandoning Corporal Punishment for Better Forms of Discipline, last referenced 12/11/2002.

⁸ Ibid.

• Child Trends: Building a Better Teenager
• National Network for Child Care: Appropriate Limits for Young Children: A Guide for Discipline, Part One, National Network for Child Care
• Safe Child: Child Abuse