It’s 3 p.m. on a school day. Do you know where your teen is—and who is with him?

If he is like most teens, he probably likes to spend his free time with friends. Fitting in among peers can be very important to teens,¹ and your teen may look to his peer group for clues on how to behave. The friends your teen chooses can affect his actions and his well-being, for better or for worse. For example, children are more likely to drink alcohol if their friends also use alcohol.²

Parents may feel that their teen doesn’t listen to them and that peers have all of the power to persuade. But the fact is, many teens still look to their parents for guidance, so encourage your teen to talk with you about what’s going on in her life and what interests her.

What To Say

Try to spend at least 15 minutes a day talking with your teen about the things that are important to him.³ Show interest in how school is going, who his friends are, and what his after-school or weekend plans are. Be open to whatever he might want to talk about. Practice active listening skills to make sure you understand what your teen is telling you. Creating an open dialog with your teen can help him feel more comfortable looking to you, rather than only his peers, for help, advice, or a good example of how to behave in certain situations.

What To Do

Besides being available to talk, you can help steer your teen toward healthy choices by helping her with her social skills, setting rules, and getting to know her friends.

Social Skills 101

Ask your teen about what makes him feel ill at ease: Does he get nervous around strangers? A potential date? Older teens? Practice different social skills with him, such as greeting others, "breaking the ice," asking questions, and listening well. You also can role-play ways to resist peer pressure, such as offers of alcohol, tobacco, or illegal drugs from other kids.

Some people may turn to alcohol and drugs to get them through awkward social moments.⁴ So, it’s important that your teen learns to feel comfortable with others.

Setting Rules

Let your teen know what you expect from her—for instance, your "no-use" policy on using alcohol, tobacco, and illegal drugs. It helps you to enforce your rules and to set proper limits on your teen’s contact with peers outside of school.

House Rules

• Set rules for when your teen spends time at a friend’s house. For example, insist that a parent or trusted adult be home at the same time
• Let your teen know that you expect him to make wise choices based on your family’s rules. For example, if he’s not allowed to watch certain movies at home, tell him you expect him to not watch those movies at a friend’s house.
• Make sure you and your teen have rules about friends visiting when you’re not home
• Discourage your teen from staying at a friend’s house if another person in the house abuses substances. Instead, invite your teen and his friend to hang out at your home when you will be there.

Heading-out Rules

• Limit the number of riders your teen driver may have in the car at one time, and set a curfew for when your teen must have the car back home. Make sure you know your own State’s rules regarding new drivers.
• If your teen is going to a school event (football game, dance, music concert), make sure you know who he will be with at the event, whether it will be chaperoned, and whether your child has a safe ride to and from the event.

Getting To Know You

Meet and greet your teen’s friends to learn more about their interests—and the kind of example they may be setting for your teen. Looks can be deceiving, especially with teens, so try not to judge them based on how they dress. It’s more important to talk with them and find out what they like to do—and whether it’s illegal, unsafe, or risky.

Get to know the friends’ parents, too. In this way, you can create a “network” of parents whom you trust to monitor your teen when he is at other friends’ houses. And find out what the family’s rules are about serving alcohol to minors. Some parents might not share your views on underage drinking.

As teenagers start new schools and get to know new people, their friends will change. You cannot choose your teen’s friends for her, but you can help her to make healthy choices and to resist peer pressure. Get to know her friends, set rules and explain the need for them, and stay tuned to your teen’s world by talking with her every day.

Sources

Additional Resources

Leadership To Keep Children Alcohol Free: Parents, last referenced 7/15/08.

Ohio State University Extension: Staying Involved in Your Teen’s Life, last referenced 8/26/04

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration: Too Smart To Start, last referenced 7/16/08

The Institute for Youth Development: The Power of Peers, last referenced 7/16/08.

Friendships— Helping Your Child Through Early Adolescence, last referenced 7/15/08.