How to discipline, how to talk to your child, parenting tips, Family Guide

You're on the phone, so your child knows you're distracted. It's almost dinnertime, but he goes to grab a few cookies, and you catch him. He knows the rule is no cookies before dinner. Do you tell your friend "excuse me" and in a sweet voice say, "Johnny, I said no cookies before dinner" and let him get away with it, or do you firmly say "Johnny, you can put those cookies back or you can forget about ice cream tonight" (his evening ritual)?

You and your child each have two choices. Although this may seem like a pretty harmless situation, let's take a look at the two choices for parent and child and the consequences of each choice. If you let him get away with it, your child learns there are times when he can break the rules. On the other hand, if you tell him that he has two choices, he learns (1) that you mean business and (2) that his choices have consequences.

Some Helpful Rules About Consequences

Follow through. Serious rule or not, you, as a caregiver, must follow through with the consequences you've established for your children. If your child breaks the rules, she must take the consequences. If you don't follow through, you send the message that your rules aren't important and that it's okay to break them.
Be consistent. "C'mon, just this one time?" Have you ever let your child do something you don't normally let him do, with the caveat, "just this one time"? Remember that being consistent reinforces for your child the type of behavior you expect. Similarly, if you discipline your child one day for talking back but ignore it the next, he learns that sometimes he can get away with being disrespectful.

"Consistency will determine the success of whatever discipline methods you use. Each time you ask your children to do something, you also have a job. Be predictable—follow through."—National Education Association
If you don't mean it, don't say it. Sometimes children can get us so angry that, in the heat of the moment, we state a consequence that we're not going to follow through with, at least not entirely. Make sure you're willing to do what you say. If you won't really ground your child for a month, don't say you will. It weakens your effectiveness when you ease up later.
Make sure your consequences are logical and/or natural. If you keep catching your child inline skating without her safety gear, take the skates away for a short time. Or, if she returns late from a friend's house, don't let her go the next time she wants to go. If a situation arises for which you can't think of a logical consequence, take a little time to think about how you can "teach the lesson" without being too harsh. Consider asking your child what she thinks would help her stop breaking the rule.

A natural consequence can be applied with little effort on your part. For example, if your children drink all of the soda by Wednesday (and they know it's supposed to last until Saturday), don't buy more until then. Instead, they can drink milk, juice, or water.
Make sure your consequences aren't too harsh. Related to the last two suggestions, it's important that you don't overdo the punishments. For example, don't threaten to ground your child for a month for not making his bed or for teasing his siblings. Where do you go from there when and if your child does something more serious?

It's normal for children to test your rules and do their own research to see if you really mean what you say. Following these rules about consequences may keep you from having to discipline your child for the same misbehavior over and over again.

Put It Into Practice

Besides applying the above tips to your disciplinary toolbox, try this:

Take some time to look closely at the rules and expectations you've established for your child, inside and outside your home. Write down the rules and ask yourself, "What do I hope to accomplish with this rule?" You might find that some rules aren't worth keeping. On the other hand, you might find others have been overlooked. For example, "People in this family respect others and don't make fun of people who are different." Sometimes as parents we focus on more tangible behaviors, like washing hands before meals, while forgetting about rules that reinforce values.

Sources

MacKenzie, R.J. 2001. Setting limits with your strong-willed child: Eliminating conflict by establishing clear, firm, and respectful boundaries. Roseville, CA: Prima Publishing.

TeenPaths.org: Planning for Better Family Rules and Structure, last referenced 10/18/2002.

National Education Association: What About Punishment?, last referenced 10/18/2002.

Additional Resources

American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry: Discipline
KidsHealth for Parents: Nine Steps to More Effective Parenting