Healthy communication is critical to relationships, but is especially important between parents and children. Is your child listening? Does she understand you? Is your message really getting through? Showing your child how to communicate is part of parenting, but it becomes especially difficult in times of conflict.

One way to communicate with your child is by using feeling language or "I" statements—a way of expressing how you feel about a situation without placing blame or drawing a defensive or argumentative response from your child.¹

Saying "you did this wrong" or "you did that bad thing" often makes people feel angry and hostile. "I" statements can help you communicate your feelings to your child in a way that makes him likely to respond with respect. "I" statements also provide children with clear, direct messages and help them understand that their actions have effects on other people. Here are a few examples:

• When you don't pick up your toys, I feel mad and tired because then I have to pick them up myself.
• When you scream loudly, I feel upset because it hurts my ears.
• When you try to talk to me when I am on the phone, I feel annoyed because then I have to try to listen to more than one person.

You also can reverse the order, and state your feelings first. For example:

• I feel mad and tired when you don't pick up your toys because then I have to pick them up myself.
• I feel upset when you scream loudly because it hurts my ears.
• I feel annoyed when you try to talk to me when I am on the phone because then I have to try to listen to more than one person.

"I" statements also can be used to express positive feelings:

• When you are nice to your brother, I feel happy because I like to see you getting along with others.
• When you do your homework, I feel proud because I think that school is important.
• When you pick up your toys, I feel happy because it shows me that you are listening when I ask you to do something.

To begin using "I" statements, follow a basic format of three parts:

1. When. (provide nonjudgmental description of behavior)
2. I feel. (name your feeling)
3. Because. (give the effect the behavior has on you or others).

Or you may want to state your feelings first and follow this format:

1. I feel. (name your feeling)
2. When. (provide nonjudgmental description of behavior)
3. Because. (give the effect the behavior has on you or others).

Either format will work as a means of effective communication. Using "I" statements may feel awkward at first, but with a little practice, it will become a regular part of your communication style.

¹ Psych-net. "Mental Health: Lesson 1," last referenced March 31, 2003.

• Collins Middle School. "Increasing the Peace"
• University of Buffalo. "The Language of Assertiveness"
• Dittmeier, Eric. U.S. Patent and Trademark Office. "For Your Mental Health," May 2001