Elementary school is an exciting time for children and parents. Going off to school, making friends, participating in activities-there's a lot happening! As children interact with each other, they develop important social skills. Learning how to interact positively with peers and other people takes practice. On the other hand, some youth try to look tough, be a big shot, or hurt other kids.

According to a KidsHealth KidsPoll of more than 1,200 boys and girls aged 9 to 13:

• 73 percent say bullying is un-cool or very un-cool.
• 41 percent of kids who have seen someone bullied say or do something to try and stop it.
• 23 percent also tell someone they think could help.¹

What Is Bullying?

Bullying is a form of abuse, harassment, violence, and/or manipulation that harms or frightens other youth. Children act like bullies in several ways-usually when one or more kids uses threats, violence, or intimidation to negatively affect someone else. In addition to physical harassment, bullying happens when one kid or a bunch of kids are really mean to someone just to hurt her feelings, laugh at her, show dislike, or prove that one child isn't as good as the others.

Are There Different Kinds of Bullying?

Yes. Bullying can be physical or verbal as well as indirect or direct. According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration's report Bullying Is Not a Fact of Life:

• Indirect bullying-being excluded from a group, being ridiculed and kept from making friends-can be just as painful. Some examples of indirect bullying are avoiding a certain kid and spreading rumors. These kinds of actions may not be against the rules but can be very hurtful.
• Direct physical bullying involves hitting, kicking, taking money, pushing, or tripping. Verbal abuse can be obvious or subtle, such as insults, offensive and sneering comments, name calling, tone of voice, or even a roll of the eyes.
• Teasing someone who clearly shows signs of distress is also bullying. Children can focus on any aspect of another youth-being the new child in a class, having a disability, or not having adequate money for clothing or school supplies-or any other excuse they can think of. While teasing between friends is usually gentle or funny, mean teasing focuses on making one person feel bad. For example, calling an overweight student "Slim" points out a physical difference and attempts to make the student feel ashamed and ridiculed.
• Group bullying is when a few children get together and one (or more of them) picks on someone else. Even though the other kids may not actively participate in the bullying, by not stopping it or walking away, they consent and condone it. By passively participating in the bullying, the bullying can escalate and add hurt and frustration to the child being victimized.²

Where Do Kids Bully?

Most bullying happens at school-in the hallways, bathrooms, cafeterias, playgrounds, and classroom. Some bullying also happens on the way to or from school, such as on the sidewalks or on the bus.

Who Bullies the Most?

Boys are generally bullied by other boys while girls are bullied by both boys and girls.

Yes, girls participate in bullying, too. Sometimes they use physical violence, but mostly they use social pressure to exclude or hurt other girls. For example, ignoring a certain girl, never sitting near her at lunch or playing with her at recess, or excluding her from party invitations are considered to be forms of bullying. Social exclusion is a way of emotionally bullying someone.

What Are Signs of Being Bullied?

Warning signs that a child is being bullied are: being afraid or unwilling to go to school, having lots of headaches or stomachaches, sleeping poorly or having nightmares, losing interest in school, and suffering academically. More signs to watch for include:

• Comes home with torn, dirty, or wet clothes or damaged books, or "loses" things without being able to give a proper explanation of what happened
• Has bruises, cuts, scratches, and injuries that can't be explained
• Chooses an "illogical" route to and from school
• Seems unhappy, downhearted, depressed, or has mood swings with sudden outbursts of irritation or anger ³
• Steals or asks for extra money to bribe or soften up the bully.

What If Your Child Is Being Bullied?

The best way to know what's going on in your child's life-at school, after school, during practice, or while hanging out with friends-is to be involved. Ask lots of questions and listen to their answers.

If your child reports feeling bullied, don't laugh or shrug it away or explain that it's "just the age." Bullying is serious-treat it that way. Be prepared to speak to teachers, coaches, and other adults in charge because they may not have noticed the behavior. One possible solution is to have a meeting to discuss what is happening.

Why Do Kids Bully?

Children act like bullies for many reasons. Some youth bully because that's the way people act in their family. Some kids bully because they want attention or to feel cool. Other children who are insecure give others a hard time because they like the feeling of power. Some simply feel that they are better than the other youth. Others may want to retaliate if they've been bullied by someone else.

Children who bully often are impulsive, easily frustrated, have difficulty following the rules, and lack empathy. Boys who bully are often physically stronger than other children.⁵

What Can Parents and Caregivers Do If Their Child Bullies?

Lots of elementary school children are bossy, rowdy, or tease their friends. These actions can escalate into meaner behavior. But has your child's behavior crossed the line into bullying? Bullying not only harms the child being bullied, it also harms the child who bullies as well as the kids who watch.

Participating in bullying is not just a regular part of growing up-it's serious. When a child begins bullying at a young age, he is demonstrating unacceptable behavior that can continue for a lifetime.

Of boys and girls aged 9 to 13:

• 26 percent bully others every day.
• 22 percent bully others once in a while.
• 20 percent join in when they see someone else being bullied.
• 16 percent do nothing when they see someone else being bullied.
• 5 percent bully others every week.⁶

Having a Bully-Free Family

How can you stop a child's bullying behavior? Good question. One way to start is to examine the dynamics of your own family. Is it possible that the child is copying behavior he's seen modeled? What are your family's rules about how to talk to each other? Let your children know what's okay and what's not okay. Every child needs to learn the importance of treating other people with respect. Make sure your children understand that it's not right to take advantage or hurt someone just because they feel as if they can.

Humor is a great element to include in your family's conversations, just make sure to keep it positive. Playful teasing is normal-usually it's something funny between two people who already know each other. For example, if your child finishes everything on his plate at dinner and his grandparent says, "I guess you weren't very hungry," that would be gentle teasing. In contrast, mean teasing is hurtful and is intended to hurt the person's feelings.

If a child's behavior seems like bullying to you, it probably is. Parents need to set limits and show what acceptable behavior is. After all, bullying can even happen in the home. If parents ignore behavior they don't like, they are accepting it. Do not ignore this behavior or hope he'll grow out of it. Bullying is not something that is likely to disappear. Bullying hurts everybody!

Additional Resources

SAMHSA's National Mental Health Information. Bullying Is Not a Fact of Life, Take Time To Talk About Bullying, Take Action Against Bullying.

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Health Resources and Services Administration. Stop Bullying Now!, Bullying Among Children & Youth.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The Bully Roundup.

Kidshealth.org. Bullying and Your Child, Dealing With Bullies, What Kids Say About Bullying.

National Crime Prevention Council. When Your Child Is a Bully, Bullying, Girls and Bullying.

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